excellent awkward

Synopsis: Arya washes a body as the Waif (ugh, the Waif) showed her to do. It’s every bit as boring as it sounds. Two men come to take a body away and when Arya follows, the Waif (ugh, the Waif) stops her. Arya blasts some questions to her, and she recounts her history that involves a little step-matricide. When asked if it’s true or not, Arya isn’t sure what’s happening. Later, Arya is visited by Jaqen who asks her who she is. She says Arya, and tells her story and Jaqen slaps her every time she lies. Then Arya shouts she’s not playing anymore, and it’s really a terrible way to open an episode. Tyrion and Jorah continue their tour of Valyria, and Tyrion recounts why he’s on the run. He tells Jorah he knew his father when he went to the wall, and also that he’s passed. Jorah didn’t know, and he’s disheartened to learn he was killed by his own men, and oh god, we’re already back to Arya. In the well room in the House of Black and White, Arya is scrubbing the floor when a man enters with his sick daughter. He tells her he didn’t know where else to go. Arya talks to the sick girl and lies to her about her past, convincing her to drink from the fountain. She does as Jaqen watches. Then, Arya is with the dead girl as Jaqen walks in, inviting Arya to follow him. They go to a room in the basement where thousands of faces are stacked in columns. Jaqen asks her if she’s ready. Back on the road, Tyrion asks Jorah why Daenerys, and he tells her of the birth of her dragons. Before they make it very far, they are captured by some former slaves. The men plan to take Jorah to sell him to the fighting pits, and to sell Tyrion’s cock to a merchant since dwarf cocks are like rabbit’s feet in Valyria.

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Synopsis: Missandei visits Grey Worm as he recovers, noting for the audience that he lived. Not so lucky for Selmy, as his body is brought to Dany. Dany calls for the leaders of all the great families to be brought to her, especially upsetting to Hizdahr zo Loraq, one of her advisors, as he is the leader of his family. She brings the leaders to the dungeon where she has her dragons chained up. One of the leaders is fried up by the dragons and used an appetizer, and as a warning to the others. Sam reads a note to Maester Aemon Daenerys’ rise to power in Mereen, and Aemon is sad that as her relation, he can’t offer her any help. Jon interrupts to speak with the Maester, alone. He tells the old man that he needs his advice. He has to give an order and half the men will end up hating him. Aemon tells him that half the men already hate him so he might as well do it, not even knowing the decision with which Jon is struggling. Jon visits Tormund in an attempt to make peace. He offers to unchain him, and have him go North to gather the remaining Wildlings. He will let them south of the wall, and give them a place to settle if they promise to fight with him in the war against the White Walkers. He unlocks Tormund’s chains. Tormund agrees, but only if Jon goes with him. As Jon brings the subject up with the men, it indeed goes over poorly. Stannis and Davos watch as Tollett and the others try to dissuade Jon. In his chambers, young Olly isn’t thrilled either, as the Wildlings butchered his family.

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Synopsis: In the early morning light, Jorah steals a boat and loads, Tyrion, his captive on board. On another boat, Jaime and Bronn sail towards Dorne. Jaime sees the city of Tarth as they pass by and, one assumes, thinks of Brienne. Bronn questions why Jaime is the one sneaking into Dorne to rescue Myrcella. He successfully guesses that it was Jaime that set Tyrion free. He says if Jaime ever sees him again, tell him hey, but Jaime says he murdered their father and he will kill Tyrion should he ever see him again. At a small council meeting, Mace Tyrell, Master of Coin, notes that the throne is becoming increasingly more in debt to the Iron Bank. He offers to loan the money to the kingdom, but Cersei has a better idea and sends him to Braavos to renegotiate terms. She insists Meryn Trant accompanies him, which I’m sure isn’t shady in the least. Afterwards, Cersei meets with the High Sparrow, to formulate a plan to deal with a number of uprisings throughout the land. Cersei suggests they resurrect the Faith Militant, an army that works in service of the church and not the crown. She appoints the High Sparrow as leader and suggest she even know of a sinner they may be interested in. Later, men in cloaks disrupt the town, beating up sinners peddling wine, and in the brothel. Olyvar watches as his patrons are dragged out but when knives are pulled on a couple homosexuals, he hightails it out of there. Lancel, who has been branded by the Faith on his forehead and empowered, goes with his men as they take Loras. Lancel tells him he’s administering justice. Margaery busts into Tommen’s lunch and demands to know why her brother has been taken. Tommen is ignorant of the whole process, and Margaery knows that it was his mother that did this. Tommen asks his mother to free Loras, but she reminds him that she is not the one that is holding him. Tommen rides to see the High Sparrow, but he is not allowed to see them. The Faith brandish their weapons, but thinking better of bloodshed in the street, Tommen retreats. He tells his new wife, but she is disappointed in his ineffectiveness, and leaves to speak with her family.

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Synopsis: Inside the House of Black and White, a vast room with a fountain in the center and statues all around, Arya sweeps up while Jaqen tends to another subordinate. Arya wants Jaqen to teach her more than janitorial work but he says she must give herself to the Many-Faced God if she wants to learn to be a faceless man. In King’s Landing, Tommen and Margaery are wed and then consummate their marriage as Tommen learns that sex is awesome. In the afterglow, Margaery brings up her new mother-in-law and suggests that Tommen will never come into his own with her always by his side. Tommen and Cersei take a walk in the morning, and Tommen asks Cersei about Casterly Rock, and he asks her if she would be happy there. Cersei visits her new daughter-in-law and does her best to act sincere, offering her support. At Winterfell, Theon/Reek works in the courtyard when he sees some freshly flayed bodies. As he serves his master Ramsay, Roose and his son discuss holding the North and the elder Bolton questions how they hold their new territory with their alliance with the Lannisters being tenuous since Tywin’s death. Roose says the best way to secure their hold is by marriage. And he has a suitable candidate. Sansa and Baelish make their way towards Winterfell when Littlefinger tells Sansa that she’s going to wed the son of the man who murdered her brother. She’s not pleased to be passed around again, but Littlefinger charges her to take control of her own destiny as she returns home. Brienne and Podrick continue to follow Sansa from a distance. Brienne softens towards Pod and offers to train him. She tells him a story of how she came to meet Renly and why she wanted to serve him. She vows to avenge Renly by killing the man responsible-Stannis.

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Synopsis: Arya spent all that time since last season sailing to Braavos, and as this episode begins she arrives underneath the giant legs of the statue at the port. The captain of the boat drops her off at the entrance to the House of Black and White. She knocks on the door and a man opens the door. One, it’s another black man on Game of Thrones, which brings us up to three. Two, he doesn’t know Arya, and when she says she’s looking for Jaqen, he says no one by that name is there. Arya sits out front for the next few days recounting her list (which has lost a few names, I guess she got over Thoros, Beric and Illyn). Giving up, she tosses the coin in the water and walks off. Podrick and Brienne eat in the bar when Pod notices Sansa and Littlefinger sitting in another booth (really, is there only one restaurant between King’s Landing and the Vale?). Brienne approaches and tells Sansa of her vow to Catelyn. Littlefinger doubts Brienne’s loyalty and Sansa is all too willing to let him speak for her. She saw Brienne at Joffrey’s wedding and saw her bow to the king. Brienne and Pod take off, but are chased by Littlefinger’s Knights, but thankfully Brienne takes care of them. Brienne says they will follow Sansa from a distance. Cersei summons Jaime to show her a threat she received from Dorne against Myrcella. Jaime vows to go to Dorne to get Myrcella back. Bronn hangs out with his chatty new wife-to-be, Lollys, when they notice a visitor: Jaime. He tells Bronn that he no longer has to marry Lollys, and that frees him up to join Jaime in Dorne. In Dorne, Ellaria meets with Doran, Oberyn’s brother, and chides him for his inaction. He doesn’t want to invite a war, but Ellaria says the Sand Snakes are with her, whoever they might be.

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Synopsis: For the first time in the show’s history, we get a flashback. This one has a young Cersei visiting an old woman, Maggy the Frog, a witch who can see the future. She tells Cersei her future-she will marry a king, be queen for a time, the king will have twenty children and she will have three, who will die. Back in regular time, Queen-regent Cersei arrives at Tywin’s funeral at the Sept of Baelor. As Tywin’s body lies in the sept, Cersei berates Jaime for his hand in Tywin’s death. She knows he let Tyrion escape and that he was the one who murdered Tywin. Tyrion tumbles out of his crate after traveling with Varys. They have arrived in Pentos, at the palace of Illyrio, one of Varys’ buds who is most remembered from the first episode when he gifted Daenerys with three dragon eggs. Speaking of the Khaleesi, there’s a trouble brewing right there in Mereen. One of her Unsullied is murdered in a brothel by the Sons of the Harpy, a rebellious group mobilizing against her. At Castle Black, Jon is training Olly how to fight. Gilly wonders why Sam isn’t training but he thinks killing a White Walker and a Then qualifies him as experienced. Thorne is back in command and Slynt is by his side. Melisandre tells Jon that Stannis wants to speak to him and they ride up to the top of the wall. He notes that she doesn’t get cold. She asks him if he’s a virgin and he admits he is not. Good, she replies. Stannis tells Jon of his plans to take the North, and he wants to enlist the Wildlings into his army. Stannis wants Jon to convince Mance to kneel for Stannis or he will be executed.

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Synopsis: Picking up right after the last episode, Jon Snow begins his march through the dead Wildlings at the gate as he heads to their camp. He raises his hands and is confronted by Mance. He says he’s been sent to negotiate. Mance says he thought Jon was loyal, and he admits how he was sent to infiltrate the camp. Mance asks of Ygritte, and Snow says she died. They have a drink in her honor. They drink to Grenn and the giant that perished. Mance and Jon admit the truths of their positions. Mance just wants to get his men south of the wall. Before the can finish their conversation, the Wildling camp is attacked, not by Crows, but by Stannis Baratheon and his men. Stannis and Davos approach and Mance throws down his knives. Stannis introduces himself and tells Mance to kneel. He refuses. Stannis’ men take the Wildlings prisoner. When Davos recognizes Jon’s garb as a crow, Jon reveals he’s Ned Stark’s son. He says when he was Mance’s prisoner he was treated honorably and suggests Stannis do the same and he agrees. Jon suggests they burn the dead before nightfall. Qyburn tends to the wounds of the Mountain, but they are severe. Turns out he was poisoned in the fight against Oberyn. Pycelle suggests putting the Mountain out of his misery but Qyburn suggests he can save him, although he may not be the same. Pycelle objects but Cersei dismisses him. She entrusts Qyburn to save him. Cersei confronts Tywin about marrying Loras again. She refuses. He calls on her to support the family, but she says that she will stay with her son, the King. Cersei tells him that she was willing to poison Tommen at the battle of Blackwater, and that is how far she was willing to go. She threatens to tell everyone the truth, that the stories of Jaime and her are true. She throws Tywin’s legacy in his face, and walks out. Moving on, Cersei finds Jaime and throws herself at him saying that she’s choosing him. She tells him that she told their father the truth. They go at it right there on the table.

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Synopsis: Jon and Samwell are atop the wall keeping an eye out for the Wildling attack. Sam asks Jon about Ygritte and notes that there’s nothing in their vows that forbids them from sexing, marrying and fathering children, sure, but the rest has some wiggle room. At the Wildling camp, they prepare for the attack. Ygritte fashions some arrows while the others give her shit for banging out Jon Snow. She assumes he’s dead, but if he’s not, she promises to finish the job. She says she will kill anyone that tries to take that away from her. Maester Aemon visits Sam in the library. Sam is reading up on the Wildlings and Aemon says it’s because he loved Gilly. Sam denies it, but Aemon knows the truth. He admits he was in love once. When Sam leaves the library, he hears a ruckus at the gate. Gilly is alive! And is begging to be let in with baby Sam. The elder Sam swears that from now on, wherever Gilly goes, he goes. The alarm sounds. Jon heads to the top of the wall and sees a massive fire below, just like Mance promised. Thorne tells Jon he’d be well within his rights to throw him an “I told you so” about sealing the tunnel, but if they survive, they’re still not gonna be pals.

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Synopsis: It’s a party going on in Mole’s Town, where Sam had left Gilly. She is doing some clean-up in a bar when her whore roommate chastises her for baby Sam keeping her awake. Before they can catfight, the Wildlings arrive. Tormund, Ygritte and the others slaughter the town. Gilly hides with the baby but Ygritte finds her, shushing her and leaving her be as blood drips through the ceiling behind her. Adult Sam is upset to hear about the massacre and he believes that Gilly is dead. They had a fellow brothers of the Night Watch that were a part of the slaughter as well. Jon knows that the attack on Castle Black is on next. In a stream, the Unsullied are bathing themselves. Grey Worm emerges from the water and sees a naked Missandei bathing herself further down and stares at with fascination. She catches him but doesn’t immediately cover herself. Later, she tells Dany of the exchange and Dany wonders if Missandei is interested in Grey Worm. Missandei admits she might be a little smitten. When Grey Worm comes to Missandei to apologize, the smitten kitten says he has no need to be sorry. Grey Worm thanks Misssandei for teaching him the common tongue and confesses he might be a little smitten too. Ramsay and his men are just outside a castle. He preps his slave Reek (Theon) to pretend to be Theon (who he really is) in order to fool the castle. The brainwashing runs deep, as Reek/Theon agrees. Theon meets with the master of the castle to surrender to Ramsay but he refuses. One of his own men takes an axe to the man’s head. He wants to agree to surrender if that means they live. Theon says it does. The men surrender, and for their agreement, Ramsay has them flayed. He tells Theon to get ready to head home.

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Synopsis: Jaime is upset Tyrion threw away the deal he had made, ensuring Tyrion’s survival. Tyrion confesses he fell in love with Shae and it broke him listening to her lie on the stand. Jaime says he can’t fight for Tyrion, he’s not up to par with his left hand and he would surely lose. Tyrion hopes Bronn will fight for him again and asks Jaime to find him. He wonders who Cersei has chosen as her champion. After Gregor “the Mountain” Clegane disembowels a man, Cersei approaches him (the third version of him) to fight for her. On the Arya and Hound road show, they find a dying man. After talking to him for a bit, the Hound puts the man out of his misery, while showing Arya where the heart is. Just then, The Hound is attacked and learns about the bounty on his head. Arya recognizes the man as one who threatened her before. She shows the younger Clegane that she’s learning, as she stabs the man through the heart. Jon returns to Castle Black and gets a warm welcome from his friends and a cold one from Thorne and Janos. Jon recommends sealing the tunnel to keep Mance and his men from getting through. Thorne refuses to listen. He assigns Jon and Sam watch duty on top of the wall. Bronn visits Tyrion and says he won’t be able to fight for him. Cersei arranged for him to wed a highborn woman. Tyrion is upset, but understands Bronn’s position, no hard feelings. Tyrion worries he may have to take on the Mountain himself.

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