Monthly Archives: October 2013

The Years of Lesser Judgment – Chapter 1 “Oops”

I think it all began to go to shit after my intervention. I mean, if I had to pinpoint when things actually started to suck out loud, it was then. Me, sitting in a room while my co-workers and friends sat around in a circle talking about how disappointed they were in me. Typical stuff, I’m sure you’ve seen an intervention on TV. Mine was like that only with uglier people and no soundtrack. God, it was so quiet. The whole thing was just a big joke. I had to hear about how my drinking was getting out of hand from my forty-five year old boss who spent the better part of the eighties paying hookers to snort coke off his dick. I know this because he’s brought it up in meetings before. Several times. But I’m the asshole with the problem. I bit my lip and gritted my teeth and just took it. I took in all the words and pleas. I nodded but said nothing. What was the point? If I say I don’t have a problem, then I’m in denial. If I say I do, I’m in rehab. Neither really worked for me. Having spent years in front of principals’ desks getting lectured about doing better helped me hone a technique for looking like I was paying attention when I was really disappearing into my own head. At the intervention I began making shapes in my mind out of the bumpy paint job on those yellow office walls. There’s a monkey. There’s a man wielding an ax and a severed head. There’s a frosty mug. Yes, yes, I will try to do better. Yes, yes, I’m an awful person.
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We Few, We Happy Few

We needed a plan.

We sat there, the four of us, weighing our options. They were ridiculous, for sure. But we had a mission. We would not be stopped.

“We could sneak past the alarm on the main floor,” Paula said with determination and her sweet English accent (not British. Never British.). “Then, we head out the back door and come back in through the kitchen.”

“Too complicated,” I said.

“I could fake epilepsy,” Zach offered. “I’ve done it before.”

“Asthma,” I nearly shouted. “I could do asthma.”

I demonstrated the strained and harsh breathing. Again, I wasn’t sure what this was going to do for us. Faking an illness of some sort leads to hospitals and such. Using it as a diversion in our mission seemed a bit ludicrous, but so much about this situation was.
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Filed under flashback, life